I woke up this morning with a start. Our alarm clock was set to a very loud volume, no doubt from when I was listening to music on it yesterday. It was so loud, and it was the news, and I jumped out of bed and quickly quieted it. I hate it when that happens. Theo got up and ready for work, but I couldn’t go back to sleep (I sometimes sleep an extra hour after he is up). I couldn’t go back to sleep because of the knot of anxiety that had formed in my chest. Anxiety about Theo’s upcoming trip to Kenya, for which he leaves in 9 days.

Anxiety about what we still need to buy for the trip. Anxiety about the trip itself – I always worry when people I love travel. Especially when they travel far away, over the ocean, to an unstable country. I know that the place he is going is safe, I know that MCC has strong ties there and I know that many of the people he is going with have been there before and know what to do. But still, the worry sits in my chest like a cobweb.

I got up and made tea – Twinings English Breakfast – and then made a fresh batch of granola. Something about baking calms me down. Then I sat down and made a list. One way you can surely tell I am my mother’s daughter is my affinity for list making. I got out a big sheet of paper and turned it sideways (just like my mom does), separated it into the 9 days until Theo leaves and wrote out everything we still need to do.

It isn’t as much as I thought. I’ve already gone out and collected many of the things he needs. It just feels like a lot, especially in the darkness of my bedroom, caught in the stickiness of that cobweb.

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